Your current weight : 269.5 lbs
Weight change since your last recorded weight | -2.5 lbs
Total weight change to date | -60.5 lbs

OK, I feel better now.  Back into the 260s, and determined not to see the 270s ever again.  Now I just need to tell myself to KEEP MOVING FORWARD.

I was really, REALLY good today and yesterday.  Maybe I won’t have gained?

I’m still stressed.  I still want to eat everything in sight.  It’s not fun.  But hopefully I can move forward now instead of moving back.

Self-Sabotage Conversations

My inner demon twists inside me,
Headmaster to my personal school of punishment.
I exclaim in confusion and pain;
Self-malignity was not one of my goals.

My inner angel, meanwhile,
Takes my hand to show me the way
Out of the trap I have set,
Asking me if I have the decency
To forgive myself.

The conversation repeats itself,
An exhaustive study of self image
Chorusing as if from a chapel choir.
I cling to the seraphic inner voice,
Begging it to make the noise stop.

This isn’t Hollywood, my inner angel replies.
This struggle is of your own design;
Have the grace to forgive and move on.

272.  I’ve gone back up to 272.  Who knows, maybe it was the kick in the ass that I needed.  I deserve better than that, and instead I’m destroying the good work I’ve done.

I got one whole week in between periods.  ONE.  I’m not thrilled.  I’m also not thrilled because I stepped on the scale this morning and it said 276.  Granted, it’s mostly water retention - AGAIN - but it still pisses me off.  And yet I continue to sit on my lazy ass every day because I really hate to exercise.  I’ll start trying to get into the habit, and then drop it after a week or so.

I need something to change, and I’m pretty sure it needs to be me.  -sigh-

Your current weight : 269.4 lbs
Weight change since your last recorded weight | -0.1 lbs
Total weight change to date | -60.6 lbs

That’s actually infinitely better than I thought it was going to be, considering how I’ve been eating.  I can deal with this.  This is ok.  Now I just need to get myself completely back on track and try to not let the stress destroy me.

I had to go to the store this morning.  I went into the frozen section.  I stopped in front of the Ben and Jerrys and seriously considered buying one and eating the entire thing.  I picked one up and was about to put it in my basket.

I put it back.  And then I went and got Weight Watchers ice cream.

So, while I’ve been eating crappy all week (yes, seriously, I’m going to cry come Saturday and am tempted to just not step on the scale), I thought I should look at something positive.  That something positive is that I made a good choice.

And yes, I had ice cream for breakfast.  And accounted for it. :)

It’s been a while, yeah?

So we started looking at buying a house.  That’s where the stress came in.  The house that our offer was initially accepted for turned out to be a bad choice - my father found structural issues that we weren’t prepared to deal with, so we backed out and are back to looking for something we can afford that won’t crumble around us.  It’s been very stressful, and I’ve been eating very badly, and I’ve gained.

Last Saturday I stepped on the scale, and I was back in the 270s.  Granted, I’d been at 265 the day before and my period just started, but it’s still me.  I should be in the 250s by now, but I quit eating decently.  I have GOT to do something about what I’m doing to myself.  I have GOT to quit sabotaging myself.  I have GOT to get back into the swing of things.

I need motivational help, and I’m not sure at this point what that help would be.

We have something huge, serious, and kind of scary going on.  Don’t worry, it’s a good thing, but I’m not ready to talk about it yet.  It’ll be a couple months before I’m ready.  And no, I’m not pregnant. :)

Anyway, with all the stress, I’ve been keeping absolutely no track of what I’ve been eating.  That’s bad.  I’m afraid to step on the scale, but that’s what I’ll do on Saturday.

Now I’m going to go run in circles and scream for a while.  Everyone keep your fingers crossed for us!

It’s been a really stressful and long week, and I’ve been working long hours.  I haven’t really been keeping up on recording what I eat, either.  So I was kind of surprised when I sneaked onto the scale this morning and saw 263.

Tonight after work we’re headed down south for my company’s Disneyland trip.  I’m taking my scale with me for Saturday morning.  And I’m taking a pedometer, just because I’m curious.

Wish me luck…